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An Open Letter To My Brother

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To the brother that once was,

Most little girls look up to their older sisters. They want to be just like them. They dress like them, talk like them, and act like them. Granted, I did look up to our older sister, but I also looked up to you. Jess and I are nine years apart, but you and I are only a year and a few months apart. You were my best friend growing up, and I looked forward to spending my weekends at dad’s with you. From playing Barbies to playing with toy cars, you were my childhood best friend.  

I wasn’t even in kindergarten yet when I saw you last. I don’t even remember the last time I saw you. All I can remember is the times we spent together, and then one day, you never showed up to dad’s again. I never really understood why I never saw you again, and I can’t seem to remember the excuses dad told me for why you no longer showed up. Every time after that last time, I always looked forward to seeing you. I looked forward to having my best friend, my brother back. Even if it were just for 30 seconds, I would be the happiest little girl again.

I see all of my friends with their older brothers, and I can’t help but want that for you and me. Their brothers are their protectors. You were supposed to be my protector. You were supposed to protect me from boys who don’t have my best intentions. You were supposed to be there when my mom divorced dad, but you weren’t. You were taken from me, and I still do not understand why. Losing you was confusing. Losing my big brother was something I never wanted to experience, but I had to experience it. I want to think I’m a better person because of it, but honestly, I am not. I could have used another role model. I could have used a friend to be there when things didn’t make sense with our crazy family, but I didn’t have you there. I didn’t have you anywhere, and I could do nothing about it. There was nothing you could do about it.

I was maybe three years old when I last saw you. You would have been four or five, and neither of us knew it would be the last time. Since the day you left, I have wanted to talk to you. I have wanted to find you and meet my best friend again, but sadly, I got my hopes up for nothing. You know how a small child gets her hopes up over something really exciting and then she ends up let down? That is exactly how I felt. Reaching out to you took strength I didn’t know I had. I was 15 years old, and you were 16. Neither of us were mature enough to know how to handle the situation, and I would bet my most prized possession on that being the reason our reunion didn’t go as planned. I had looked forward to meeting you, talking to you, having you back, but you let me down. You told me how much better your life was without me. You told me how much easier things were without dad, Jess, Ellie, and me. It broke my heart more than anything ever will. Do I regret contacting you? Yes, I do. You were supposed to be happy to meet me again; we were supposed to pick up where we left off, but that didn’t happen. Instead, we once again parted our ways.

Now, it’s been three or four years since we last spoke, and I still have the same dream: for you to be my brother again. I have seen you at basketball and football games, restaurants, and even in the middle of WalMart. We both act as if we don’t know one another. Maybe, just maybe, it is easier for things to be that way. I do not want things to continue being this way. I want us to go back 14 years and be kids again without a care in the world, but I know we cannot do that. I am almost an adult now, and I am going to make my own decisions from now on. Maybe now, we can make things work. Maybe now, we are mature enough to handle what happened. Maybe now, you can accept me into your life. If not, I am mature enough to walk away and let you be. Just know, you will always be my bubby, and I miss you.

Love,

The sister that could have been

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4 Comments

4 Responses to “An Open Letter To My Brother”

  1. Morgan Miller on January 10th, 2018 8:41 am

    It’s sad that your brother got taken from you when you were both too young to know any better. You both changed a lot throughout the year and that change pushed you further apart. I’m sorry he wasn’t the brother you remembered or hoped for. Great article!

    [Reply]

  2. bhamm56 on January 10th, 2018 8:55 am

    This article touched my heart and I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that. Thank you for sharing such a personal thing to you, and thank you for not giving up on what you believe in. If you believe it, it will happen. Great Article, Kirstyn!

    [Reply]

  3. Caleb Johnson on January 10th, 2018 1:10 pm

    I liked this article, it was cool that you shared such a family oriented experience I’m sure not many people would like to tell. Great article!

    [Reply]

  4. Ashli Key on January 12th, 2018 12:27 pm

    This is a very strong article. You did a wonderful job on using pathos and I really could understand that it was a very hard problem to go through! Not many people would be as strong as you to write this, but you did an amazing job!

    [Reply]

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Lewis Cass High School, Walton, Indiana,
An Open Letter To My Brother