The battlefield is not overseas; it is actually right here in our community. Front yards have turned into fortresses, trees stand alone draped in white flags of surrender, the shelves of Dollar General are empty, and toilet paper is no longer a household necessity, but a weapon of choice. Parents of previous victims stand at their windows like war generals, ready to catch the culprits. The quiet streets of Walton and Galveston have been completely transformed into cottony war zones. Residents no longer awaken to birdsongs, but to the rustling of Charmin blowing in the breeze. No yard is safe, and nobody can be trusted. Welcome to the Great TP Throwdown of Lewis Cass High School.
Surprisingly, this is not the first time in Lewis Cass’ history that students have had a toilet paper feud. Back in the class of ‘24 (Wyatt Orpurt) days, people were throwing TP every weekend. In those days, it was honestly rare for you to wake up with a clean yard. Senior, Michael Myers has been a repeat victim since the Orpurt era. Back in the day, he was attacked three times in the span of three weeks, the extremity of the strikes escalating each time. Just like old times, Myers is a frequent victim in this year’s TP extravaganza. This most recent attack was significantly worse than previous ones, where only toilet paper was involved. “I was a victim of a hate crime,” Myers dramatically stated. Not only was there a fresh coat of toilet paper covering his trees recently, but his house windows and car windows were drawn on with washable markers, of course. Some may say the TP-ing is getting out of hand, but in my opinion, it is all in good fun. None of the so-called attacks are out of dislike for anyone, and usually, when you go TP-ing, you target your close friends.
Senior, Lexi Alford was another victim of the TP bandits this past weekend. Unlike Michael, it was Lexi’s first time waking up to an abundance of toilet paper hanging from her trees. Her initial reaction was that it was funny, and she was able to laugh about it with her sister as they cleaned it up. Alford shared about her family’s reaction, “All of us couldn’t wait to watch the cameras later that day to see the fun of it all, but sadly, they didn’t record.” A pro tip for the future TP-ers: Make sure there are no cameras where you plan on toilet papering. Thankfully for the bandits, the cameras were not working on that fateful night.
Clearly, the seniors have gotten the worst of the toilet papering this year because, along with Michael and Lexi, fellow senior, Ava Hubner’s house was hit hard. Unsurprisingly, this was not the first time Ava had been a target for TP, and if you saw the number of trees in her front yard, you would know what I mean. When asked about the cleanup process, Ava stated, “It was not bad, just annoying.” She also added that we could still come and clean it up if we wanted to! Fortunately, only Ava’s trees got the bulk of the attack, and her house was left alone.
Many people have suspicions about the identities of the bandits, but nobody is for sure. There has even been speculation of two groups running around. Surely, the Dollar General workers could tell you who has been buying up all the cheap toilet paper (a dollar for four rolls is an insane deal!) As of now, there are just as many theories as to who did it. Maybe we will never know for sure.
In case wondering minds want to know, no, toilet papering someone’s yard is not exactly “illegal,” but you can be charged with small things. Trespassing, vandalism, criminal mischief, and littering are a few examples of what TP criminals could be charged with. None of these charges can result in serious time in the slammer, but that does not mean you should retaliate and toilet paper your classmate’s house for kicks and giggles (although those are usually the motives for TP-ing). Fortunately, most of the residents of our small community are pretty lenient with the toilet papering and know that it is all in good fun, but again, I would not recommend that you go out and TP everyone.
Remember, nobody is ever safe, and just because you have already been hit once does not mean it will not happen again. Onlookers may never know who they are or when they may strike again, so keep a good lookout for the TP bandits, but remember, stay vigilant, Kings!
